Thankful

How could I be anything but thankful? I find at night, after my little family has gone to sleep and I'm wrapping up the day, is when I'm most affected by the weight of my love for my family. Those quick moments of my heart catching my breath and realizing my babies are here.

I've been trying to wrap my head around how I feel now that I am a mother in more than just my heart. I don't feel different...I just feel whole. Like I've found the pieces that left me aching in their absence.

Surely I've always been this way? Always had these sweet faces to kiss and known every bit of downy hair...how could I have ever existed in any other form?

This Thanksgiving, I am most thankful to finally be whole. Thankful to have my heart beating, double time, outside my own chest. Thankful and blessed to share here the healing of that all too familiar ache being filled with chubby, spitty, bright eyed joy.

 I hope your day was one of the best.

4 years and finally a family of four

We celebrated our four year anniversary, and as a family of four!

Those numbers are definitely something I had given up ever hoping would happen...but sometimes i forget that I'm the luckiest.

We had a low key day, as is our style. 

Russell came home from work and we loaded up the girls to go and find our annual photo booth picture. We went to fashion square and ended up entering the mall right in front of the photo booth, but on another level. We literally walked the entire mall before we found the booth, right where we had started! 

The girls had fallen asleep by the time we got there, so we had to wake them up a little bit before getting everyone into the booth. We've decided that each year we add a new member of our family, we will take a family picture but other than that our anniversary photos will just be us. 

We came home and I made spanikopita and port tamales (getting culturally diverse up in this hizzouse) then we shared some chocolate covered strawberries and other goodies with a couple friends. 

It was a great day!

The Day We Met Our Son.

We drove to a park on the outskirts of Phoenix and began to walk around. I couldn't bring myself to let go of Russell's hand or to venture far from him. I was so nervous and excited and anxious.

I turned to Russ and asked him;

"How crazy would it be if they just walked around the corner?"

Russ looked up and saw a lady walking with a little boy and a wagon and said

"Cambra...

That's them. That's them!"

We said hello to his foster mom and then introduced ourselves to him. He was extremely shy and didn't quite want to make eye contact with us. 

His foster mom kept telling him, "remember, these are your new friends we were going to meet."

But he stayed to himself. She then laughed and told us, "well he has to be somewhat relieved! On the way here he was worried that you guys were tigers!"

The first hour or so that we walked around the grounds of the park, he kept his distance. He clung to his foster mom and, when he did venture a little ways away, he kept sneaking glances over his shoulder to make sure we weren't getting too close. 

He found a couple of oranges on the ground beneath a tree and collected them into his wagon and had his foster mom hold one. After walking through a couple of gates, a couple of times, he began tossing the orange and running after it. I asked if he wanted to race, and he gave me a firm 'NO'. He threw the orange at a palm tree and nailed it from at least 6 feet away, which we were impressed with for a 3 year old!

He then proceeded to chuck the orange at us and yell "WATCH OUT". 

In that order.

I couldn't help but laugh and think about telling him the story of the day we met, when he is much older, and telling him "yeaa, you chucked oranges at us." haha. 

It took about an hour or so for him to warm up and then we began playing on the playground. We played tag and hide and go seek. We built sand castles around the orange and pushed him on the swings for a little bit. 

We found a sprinkler box with a hole in it and he told us there was a snake living in there. I had goldfish in my purse so I asked if we should feed the snake. He decided we should and made quick pokes at the goldfish until it went down the hole. He was nervous there was a snake and that it would get him. As we sat there, he finally relaxed a bit and snuggled close to me as I showed him pictures of our house and videos of our puppy and nephew. He thought Echo was just the funniest thing and wanted to watch the videos over and over again.

Before we headed back to the car, we gave his foster mom some pictures of us for J. to hold on to. The change from our first seeing him, to us walking him back to his car was huge. We walked out of the park with him riding high atop Russell's shoulders and wanting to touch every leaf we walked by. He gave us huge hugs and just about burst my heart as he reached up and touched the side of Russell's face before laying his head on Russell's chest.

He gave us the biggest, squeeziest hugs I've ever received. We walked back to our car on cloud nine talking about all the things we were going to do on Sunday when we took him out for the day.

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We just can't believe that he's ours. He's smart and funny. As well mannered as any 3 year old comes and wants so earnestly and completely to be loved.

He looked at Russell while Russell held him and said 

"Hey, I have blue eyes just like you!"

Foster mom sent me pictures throughout the day today. He is inseparable from the orange that "his friends gave him" and she sent a picture of him showing one of his foster brothers all the pictures we sent home with him. 

I really didn't think I would fall in love this quickly. I was prepared, realistically I thought, for this to take time. To even feel a little guarded but I find myself missing him already. Which feels crazy to say, but...its true...as scary and beautiful as it is.

My heart is officially his.

Little Boy J.

October. 28, 2014

We had been waiting for this day for months, and somehow we knew we'd be getting a call today. We just knew it would work out like that...because life can get pretty crazy at times, and that seems to be the norm around here.

So around 8:30 on this beautiful Tuesday morning, I heard my phone start to ring and immediately realized it was our case worker calling. (We have a special tone set for her calls). Before answering my phone, I woke Russ up.

"Babe?"

"hhuuhh??..."

"Russell...Roxie is calling..."

"WHAT??"

"We knew it would happen like this..we knew it! Hello?"

Roxie continued to tell us that our home study was being worked on to change our license from adoption to foster care. We had decided that we were going to change our license at the beginning of the year and she was calling to tell us that, 

"BUT" she said "I have a call for a little boy."

She proceeded to tell us what she knew about J. and I knew it was him. Russell was still half awake, although startled, so I asked her if I could have some time to relay the info to Russ and I'd text her back. We texted her within 5 minutes:

"Russ says 'well, that sounds pretty awesome' 

We'd love to get more info"

-----

I remember sitting on the couch reading over the additional information, knowing and just thinking to myself...no way...we found him...

As soon as Russell walked through the door, I told him all about J. and he shook his head slightly and said something along the lines of 

"holy crap, this is totally him"

-----

The meeting was all set to take place at 9:00 Wednesday morning, so I emailed our case worker around 8 saying "fingers crossed for today!"

at 9:00 she emailed back

"actually,  meeting is rescheduled for tomorrow"

...

"ok, well, fingers crossed for tomorrow then" 

Really? This could be listed as a form of torture. But, part of us also knew that it'd be pushed back to be on Thursday...because, like I said...sometimes life gets crazy and that really, really seems to be the norm around here.

We went to Target and Russell picked out a little shirt for J. 

-----

So Thursday morning rolls around and we have no idea when the meeting for today is supposed to be. We cautiously hope its in the morning, but aren't expecting anything. The day before, we had learned that there were at least 4 families involved in the selection process...which is a ton. Part of us felt like we should feel nervous, but through this whole process, we just knew. 

Roxie called a little after 10:00. I stared at my phone for a second, took a deep breath and answered:

"Hello?"

"Good news!"

"Oh my goodness, I'm so glad you led with that! I don't want to say we knew, but we knew!"

She told us that there was another family in the running who actually knew some of J's relations that he was still close to and she thought we were out for sure. But she really brought it home and the fact that we volunteer with kids at the crisis center along with our blip as 'safety monitors', swayed J's case worker in our favor.

-----

Monday night we left 40 minutes early to get to the meeting and arrived 10 minutes late. I've never felt so anxious in traffic in my entire life.

We finally get to the meeting and, luckily, J's caseworker started with pictures.

I always get teary eyed when I think about big moments in my life. When Russell and I were preparing to get married, when meeting new nieces and nephews, seeing a picture of my 3 1/2 year old son for the first time...

But it never goes like that. I go into this surreal, try to listen, floaty mode. Where I just say, "ok" to all the things I thought I would cry and give emphatic yes!-es and of course!s.

At the close of the meeting we set a time for this friday (11/14/14) to meet J. Russell and I walked out to the parking lot where he kept hugging me and saying 

"I'm so excited!"

-----

I can't believe we're meeting our son on Friday. We aren't sure if he'll have been told that he is being adopted or if we'll just be introduced as foster mom's friends...who will just keep showing up...

We bought a kite, just in case there is a breeze.

For time and all eternity..

We were sealed this last weekend.

And all I can feel is how relieved I am that I will never have to live without him.

---

What a blessing to have eternal families.

My heart is full.

Growing a foot or two...

I've been experiencing an interesting phenomenon... 

Through the years of infertility, the gory treatments and the crazy hormonal swings, I had no problem opening up to people (fellow infertility sufferers, friends, curious bystanders, etc) about our journey with infertility.

Until...

A few months ago we decided to start looking at adoption. For some reason I was anxious to talk to anyone about it. There were a small number of people I had questions for and told, but for some reason adoption hasn't been something I have felt confident in confiding we are looking into.

Maybe it is all the uncertainty that comes with it...the lack of any sort of timeline guarantee.

Maybe its just being tired having so many people involved in my little family becoming a bigger family. (Who aren't already friends and family, ya follow?)

Or maybe it is all the negative rhetoric floating around between birth moms and adoptive moms...can't we all just be moms? 

I was so worried that people would judge me. I've had some (hopefully) unintentionally harsh experiences working in nursery where moms would 'joke' about me not pretending their kid was mine, after they found out I was struggling with infertility. What? Yea....I hope this was just poor comedic prowess on their part, but it hurt my feelings and it scared me. On discussion boards there were inevitable comments from birth mothers calling adoptive mothers 'baby snatchers' and making remarks about adoptive mothers pressuring birth mothers into giving up their babies. 

I'm sure there are truths and exaggerations to both sides of the story, but the idea of another woman thinking of me as someone who took her child and was now 'pretending' to be that child's mother weighed on my heart. (It's about time I stop being so caught up in what other people think of me, right? ugh, right.)

With all that flapping in the wind, I have reached my point of excitement and being truly able to invest my hopes in the adoption process as a way to add to our family.

So, I guess all that is left to do is wish us luck.

and patience...

cause we're going to need it.

But really guys...

really truly...

WE'RE SO EXCITED!

queue the never ending paperwork!

Arizona: land of the sun(set)

It has been an adventure being new to an area.

We've already met some amazing people and have seen some amazing beauty.

I just started working for a local ballroom costume shop, and couldn't be more thrilled with who I am working with and what we are making! Russell is loving his job as well, it is tiring and he works long hours but he comes home genuinely excited that he has helped people. 

My little stock broker :).

We've been doing a lot of talking and a lot of research and are anxiously approaching some big life changes here in the next couple of months. We're just so happy to have each other and the love that we share.

I never get over how exciting it is to be Russell's wife. I just look at that man in awe and can hardly believe he was once the 17 year old boy I fell in love with. He's so steady and honest. The best. Man, with that consistency I'm certain I could do anything...go and be 'new' anywhere with him and it would be the greatest adventure of my life.

27 Goals for the 27th Year of Life

Birthday outfit and puppy bites. sweet.

Welp, I'm officially over the fence-sittin age of 25 and have been plunked firmly in my 'late twenties'. ew.

In celebration of my 26th birthday, and...eagearness(?) to fully claim this 27th year of life:

27 Goals for my 27th Year of Life:

1. Have a baby (ugh, seriously though)

2. Go to the Ocean

3. Get my sewing space organized and functional

4. Make my bed every day (about time, yea?)

5. Regain my flexibility to do a full forward fold.

6. Regain flexibility to extend into a solid 'bird of paradise'

7. Quit carbonation (again) (RIP Slurpies)

8. Complete a multi-pitch climb without crying

9. Be able to complete 10 respectable push-ups in a row 

(I did my first legit push-up in my entire life this year, haha, yikes)

10. Listen to/read 3 talks from LDS.org every week

11. Attend the temple once a month

12. Keep my heart and mind open for more opportunities to serve

13.  Start/Finish my teaching certificate

14. Make something for my home

15. Sew Russell an awesome button up shirt 

(must be awesome to qualify)

16. Watch the sunrise with Russ

17. Throw a New Years Eve party

18. Prepare my first Thanksgiving dinner by myself

19. Have a real Christmas tree! 

(This is our year, I can feel it!)

20. Finish writing that darn book I've been running away from

21. Teach Echo a new trick

22. Sign up for and run a 5k

23. FINALLY acquire my dream white bedding

24. Try a food I've never tried before

25. Go on a boat

26. Leave the country 

(I'll come back, I promise)

AND

27. Complete foster care training to see if it is a right fit for us.

Happy Halloween! and Thanksgiving...and Christmas...

We totally plan for Halloween all year, and would never dream of going to the dollar store an hour before the costume party to buy random objects for a costume.

Happy Thanksgiving Christmas Halloween!

...

From all of us :)

With the perfect colored scraps from some chairs I'm recovering...I couldn't resist!

Little Gentleman....

When you find that bright eyed boy that will both help you make breakfast and do the dishes afterwards...all while wearing an apron and button up shirt...

you know you've found a winner:

Nephews are fun :)

2 years with you

Dear Russell, 

Our children will have your patience and kindness.

They will have your blue eyes and your dimples.

They will have your passion and your drive for adventure.

They will have your ability to love with everything they have.

They will have your laugh.

 They will surely have all the good you possess, and all the good you bring out in me.

And I, I will have you.

Happy anniversary love.

Homesick

It has been a busy month!

I left Zion on a stormy weekend and headed down to Arizona to start getting things settled for our big move. I found our apartment and the day we went to sign the papers, it fell through. Bummer.

However! We found a much better apartment and signed the papers. We move in on Monday. 

My oldest little brother, Jaron, and his wife had a brief commitment ceremony in Mesa for her family, which we attended then headed home for Zion. 

On our way home, literally in the middle of nowhere, raining, no lights, we found a man sitting on the side of the road with a broken shoulder and a broken motorcycle. He had lost control and skid off the road. Aside from his shoulder he was totally fine. We waited with him for several hours as his tow truck came. 

We spent an all too quick weekend together before my family came through on their way up to Idaho. I rode up with them to attend Jaron and Hannah's sealing which went beautifully. 

I fly home tomorrow and can't wait to see my husband and pup, I'm so excited!

Catching up

I have all these things that I intend(ed) to write down on the blog but we've been settling in, napping together during lunch breaks, canyoneering, sewing and visiting Costco.

But, I'll fill you in on all that in some catch up posts to come.

What a day...

We played hooky from work 

(okay, so we both requested the day off weeks in advance)

Russ surprised me with some awesome shoes I've been eyeing

Got my ring cleaned

Ate lunch at Dick's

Went back to our spot at Manito park

Wandered around Petco oogling puppy toys for our little guy

I scheduled Russ for a massage

 (because everyone should get a full body massage at least once in their lifetime) 

Stopped in for some Mongolian food

and

Ate a year old cupcake.

It was the best anniversary, ever!

Every girl deserves to be loved the way I am. 

I love, love, love my man.

small things...

There is something wonderfully, rebelliously, optimistic about brightly colored umbrellas.

A successful Saturday

Today, I found a yoga studio! I'm ecstatic and anxious to start practicing again... 

Russ and I took a quick jaunt over to Minnihaha to climb.

Then we picnicked in the park and set up our slack line.

As we were goofing around, we noticed that behind a large tree a ways off, four little kids were tentatively inching their way closer towards us. 

We threw them a wave and before we knew it we were slack lining with a motley little crew of 4-8 year olds.

A good Saturday indeed. 

Enjoying the moment.

I'm impatient.

It is a fact I have lived with my entire life. I have never been so self-fooled as to claim any sort of sufferance.

---

I am always getting frustrated and caught up in what I don't have now:

my degree, a baby, a little house of my own, financial stability, heck; a job right now.

 as opposed to appreciating that which I do have:

The most attentive husband I could ever ask for, a loving family, a warm place to live, food to eat.

---

As I was nearing the halfway mark of my run tonight, Claire de Lune began playing on my ipod and an especially cool breeze greeted me from across a grassy field.

It was perfect.

---

In that moment, my breathing came easy and my uphill pace felt like a soaring accomplishment. I was exactly where I wanted to be and it was amazing.

Here's to holding on to the fleeting moments of peace and perfection to help us through the rest.

Disappearing act

We've been really good lately at pulling short term disappearing acts and stealing away together.

We drove up to Mesa Falls, checking another sight off the "Before We leave here forever" list. It was the perfect afternoon!

On the drive home, Russell asked me what my favorite part was, and then he told me his: 

"My favorite part, was when I was walking backwards up the trail and looked at you and you gave me a super cute little smile. That was my favorite."

---

Sheesh, these last posts have been nuthin but mush! So now that you're all caught up on how much I'm swooning over my husband now that I finally get to see him... I'll stop with the mush. :) 

Well, on the blog anyway.

---

When we got back into town, we apartment hunted, planned out a little road trip, looked for puppies on craigslist and headed out to the park to have a sunday spaghetti dinner with our favorite Warnicks (Kait has a phenomenal recipe for mozzorella stuffed meat balls..too good!) and then ended the night with some card games. Ok, so we played poker. 

And I got destroyed. Serves me right, eh?

---

Here's to hoping your weekend was just as brilliant!

That blue eyed husband of mine...

I hadn't seen that blue eyed husband of mine since Monday.

Friday night at 12:34 am, we gathered up every blanket, pillow and sleeping bag in our house and skiddaddled out to Beaver D. to spend the night in our car. 

---

On the way, we turned the radio off and wrote a road trip bucket list by way of glove box light...on a napkin.

"This is serious business" I told him, "Sign your name"

and he did. Cursive and everything.

---

Then we snuggled in and watched the stars from the window until we fell asleep.

---

I love, love, love that blue eyed husband of mine.

Memorial Day

Russ and I had to work all through Memorial Day weekend except for on Monday. Luckily for us; Friday, Saturday and Sunday were all rainy and not ideal for being outside, so we didn't feel like we missed out on too much.

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Monday, we skipped town and went down to Pocatello (wild and craziness right here) we had a little lunch, did a little climbing, almost stepped on a not so little snake

Just looking at these pictures gives me the heeby-jeebies. *shudder* Snakes are interesting creatures, they give me the creeps but they are also so cool, the way they move looks liquid. 

On the flip side of the animal spectrum, 

I've been slightly obsessed  interested in all things that cuddle. Luckily, Russell isn't too put out by enabling my pet store habit. Yea, I'm one of those people that lie about looking for a dog just so I can hold the puppies. Is that really so bad?