inspira-stash

 I'm not so sure when or where along the line my fabric stash accumulated so many nudes and peaches and lacey details (because obviously my stash accumulates things, and not me...ahem..)

But I'm very much diggin it!

I have a couple projects I'm working on right now (bad ADD seamstress, I know) that I'm really excited about. AND! Since picking up my new sewing machine, I'm able to actually make things in a reasonable amount of time with an almost saintly lack of swearing.

Almost.

It has been really good to get some stuff finished and start on other things

...now to just finish the one thing I should actually be working on.

You know when you get halfway through with something (usually just before finishing neck edges and hemlines) and you look at it and think...from what 90's/40's/80's/early 2000's mangy love child did you come from? 

Pinterest is weeping right now at some of the half started/half finished projects I have tucked away around our spare bedroom.

Growing a foot or two...

I've been experiencing an interesting phenomenon... 

Through the years of infertility, the gory treatments and the crazy hormonal swings, I had no problem opening up to people (fellow infertility sufferers, friends, curious bystanders, etc) about our journey with infertility.

Until...

A few months ago we decided to start looking at adoption. For some reason I was anxious to talk to anyone about it. There were a small number of people I had questions for and told, but for some reason adoption hasn't been something I have felt confident in confiding we are looking into.

Maybe it is all the uncertainty that comes with it...the lack of any sort of timeline guarantee.

Maybe its just being tired having so many people involved in my little family becoming a bigger family. (Who aren't already friends and family, ya follow?)

Or maybe it is all the negative rhetoric floating around between birth moms and adoptive moms...can't we all just be moms? 

I was so worried that people would judge me. I've had some (hopefully) unintentionally harsh experiences working in nursery where moms would 'joke' about me not pretending their kid was mine, after they found out I was struggling with infertility. What? Yea....I hope this was just poor comedic prowess on their part, but it hurt my feelings and it scared me. On discussion boards there were inevitable comments from birth mothers calling adoptive mothers 'baby snatchers' and making remarks about adoptive mothers pressuring birth mothers into giving up their babies. 

I'm sure there are truths and exaggerations to both sides of the story, but the idea of another woman thinking of me as someone who took her child and was now 'pretending' to be that child's mother weighed on my heart. (It's about time I stop being so caught up in what other people think of me, right? ugh, right.)

With all that flapping in the wind, I have reached my point of excitement and being truly able to invest my hopes in the adoption process as a way to add to our family.

So, I guess all that is left to do is wish us luck.

and patience...

cause we're going to need it.

But really guys...

really truly...

WE'RE SO EXCITED!

queue the never ending paperwork!

Growing and Growing

So, I'm back after last weeks kinda gloomy post! 

Russ and I have been presented, at this point in our lives, a huge gathering of doors to be opened.

Every.single.one of these doors holds absolutely amazing opportunities to potentially grow our family, secure better financial stability, help us grow closer together and help us grow as individuals.

Here's the catch, time frames are a little skewed. So, we can choose 3 of the 5 options if ordered one way and 2 of the 5 if ordered another and 4 of the five if ordered even another way! We can't choose all options and we can't exactly choose which order they come in...so there is still that crazy level of unpredictability that I'm trying to see around and not get grumpy haha. 

But! One of these options is for me to fully embrace that for here on out, as my career, I want to design and sew. (eventually for myself, but not RIGHT NOW). So in pulling up my big girl panties enough to commit to something, I'm bringing home this little gem:

Say whhaaatt??? Yes ma'am that is an industrial zigzag machine. IN.DUST.RI.AL. 

I'm going to lose a finger, I just know it. 

But after much deliberation and hemming and hawing (..that could almost be a seamstress pun) I've decided to stop being such a coward and do it. 

So, say hello to this gorgeous little blue number and watch as we start making the most of our talents!

Fertility...everyday: When to call it quits

This picture has nothing to do with anything. 

Except that I like it. 

And I liked the moment.

And sometimes that just has to be enough.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what is enough. Good enough, fast enough, patient enough, hard enough, easy enough

...long enough.

It has been brewing in my mind and in my heart for the past several weeks, but I guess finding myself sobbing in our second bedroom melt-down-cleaning late last night is what it finally took for me to realize that. I've tried long enough.

I've been carrying this whole infertility bit for going on 7 years now.

7 years...

There were times when I felt that I was growing, times I felt like I was failing and times that I just felt like I was being left behind or forgotten. But worst of all...there were times that I just felt numb. Infertility didn't hurt anymore and I came to realize that infertility didn't hurt me anymore because it had entirely consumed me and there was little left of me to hurt. 

I've been fighting to see what me there is left and what parts there are, are all defined by my ability or lack of ability to have children. I've entirely lost who I am and have let a struggle define me instead of enrich me. And I can't do it anymore.

Well, that isn't necessarily true...because I can, and will, but not right now. Right now is about getting myself back to the girl Russ wanted to marry and still sees, but I'm sure misses most days.

This will be a big year for Russell and I and I so badly want to be fully present, so for the time being, for I'm not sure how long...for the first time in a really long time...

I'm letting the whole infertility thing go.

---

2014 is the year to like little things and just have moments that are happy but aren't on a checklist to getting closer to being pregnant.

Its the year of chickens in leaves and letting go of the weight.

Insta-caved

So this happened....