I knew I loved you before I met you

One year ago today, this is exactly where I was. Nervous, excited....oddly at peace. 

I knew that whatever happened, that day I would be pregnant until proven otherwise. 

This day one year ago was the last day I ever had to be apart from my girls.

Science is amazing, but above all God is amazing.

4 years and finally a family of four

We celebrated our four year anniversary, and as a family of four!

Those numbers are definitely something I had given up ever hoping would happen...but sometimes i forget that I'm the luckiest.

We had a low key day, as is our style. 

Russell came home from work and we loaded up the girls to go and find our annual photo booth picture. We went to fashion square and ended up entering the mall right in front of the photo booth, but on another level. We literally walked the entire mall before we found the booth, right where we had started! 

The girls had fallen asleep by the time we got there, so we had to wake them up a little bit before getting everyone into the booth. We've decided that each year we add a new member of our family, we will take a family picture but other than that our anniversary photos will just be us. 

We came home and I made spanikopita and port tamales (getting culturally diverse up in this hizzouse) then we shared some chocolate covered strawberries and other goodies with a couple friends. 

It was a great day!

A friggin haboob (back post)

Both girls were running low grade fevers last night and didn't sleep because they were so uncomfortable. They finally fell asleep at 630.

 I was so out I slept through the alarm for their appointment. 

So I'm scrambling to get two babies out the door. I get there 15 minutes late, so I have to wait 45 minutes for a new appointment. time. The girls are screaming and I realize I didn't feed them and have no bottles for them. 

So, there I am, 

in spit up caked sweats,

 holding two sweaty, screaming babies.

 Pacing the 'sick child' side of the waiting room. 

I clearly haven't slept, but go ahead and guess how many people come up and got really close to see the girls and coo and tell me I have my hands full

...

 while they scream?

 7. SEVEN PEOPLE!! 

I finally get taken back to a room. The girls are starving and losing their minds. The nurse tells me the Dr will be in in 15-20 minutes because they're backed up because a mom of twins came in late.

 Uhh, hi?

The girls are inconsolable, so I kick off my shoes, climb up on the exam table sitting cross legged and whip my boobs out. 

I have June in cross cradle held by my thighs and knees up to my chest (hello ab workout, meet non-existent postpartum abs) and I have Chloe in football to my right. The Dr comes in and busts a gut.

 They do the exam while I nurse both babies. I finally go to leave and there's a haboob.

 A 

FREAKING 

HABOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBB!!!!

 I wait for the dust to settle (literally) make it to my car where I realize my windshield wiper is broken as it starts to rain and turn all the dust to mud. I cried for a little bit then drove to Bosa Donuts and got myself a ham and cheese croissant and a mango smoothie.

 Because I freaking deserved that ish!

Hi, you.

Somewhere around 24 weeks...I think?

I'm not sure when the last time I posted in this blog was...but it was quite some time ago.

SO much has been happening around here...which means I should be better at documenting it, right? Wrong. So wrong.

Earlier this year, as we were driving home from one of our billion appointments, Russell and I were talking about how crazy last year was.

Lemme non-chronologically recap a few bits of 2014:

• We moved from our apartment into a duplex
• We got sealed!
• Russell changed shifts at work from 9-5 m-f to three 12 hour shifts a week.
• We had a 10 month old baby (K.) live with us for a few months...that was crazy...
• I ran a 10k (which was a big deal for me!)
• Russell passed his series 7
• I did my first couple boutique shows and actually sold things in my etsy shop (for a bit anyways)
• We started and finished foster/adopt classes
• we were considered as adoptive parents for 5 different kids (2 of which we were considered for twice)
• We did IVF (that's a beast of a post for another time...)
• We finally got pregnant
• we found out we were having TWINS
• We were chosen to be adoptive parents for J. and he moved in with us.
• We house shopped...but didn't find anything that convinced us to commit

Now we're sitting here in 2015 and this year is shaping up to be just as crazy...

• We're still in our ghetto little duplex, and we actually really like living here.
• Russ is still working 3/12's and we really enjoy having him home several days a week, but the first half of the week is pretty rough. 
• I'm still expecting to be called any day now to testify in K's trial...if it ever goes to court...such a mess. 
•  Russ is now working on his level 1 CFA and it.is.a.beast. The man studies like crazy and even then, he wishes he could find more time to study. It's a big test.
• We found out we are having twin girls!

I don't want to put it in a bullet point, but I'm also not really sure how much I want to talk about it on here, but after several months of living with us, J. went back to his family. It is a really, really good thing and I can't describe the experience as anything but bittersweet. Russell still gets quiet when we find something of his or if we talk about him. It's hard, but at the same time, we know that he is exactly where he needs to be with the parents he is supposed to be with and they love him so stinking much. He's a totally different kid with them, and that....that is a beautiful, miraculous thing. 

Life is so crazy...

There is no way I could have guessed my life would follow the course it has, but at the same time I am so, so very thankful for all of the wonderful things that I get to experience despite/because of the crazy.

...

So, yep. 

Consider yourself briefly, non-chronologically, updated.

...somewhat.

We Three and the Insanity of 3

We hosted another successful, albeit small, Thanksgiving at our little house. It was really great having a little bit of my family in town and it turned out that my nephew Easa and J hit it off really well.

It somehow turned out that J wasn't told that he'd be living with us forever until a couple hours before we went to pick him up. That's a lot to process! So on top of the all-autonomy-all-the-time attitude of a 3.5 year old, we're also dealing with some pretty big displaced feels.

It has been a pretty stressful couple of days for everyone. J is trying to figure out how this new mom and dad plan to keep him safe and we're left deciphering what is attachment/loss issues and  what is normal 3 year old behavior.

It was a little nostalgic driving out to pick him up. We listened to a CD that was the anthem of our 2 month long road trip....a time where we had no responsibilities, no plan, no itinerary and no structure. Just us, some mini bagels and our little blue kia. 

The Day We Met Our Son.

We drove to a park on the outskirts of Phoenix and began to walk around. I couldn't bring myself to let go of Russell's hand or to venture far from him. I was so nervous and excited and anxious.

I turned to Russ and asked him;

"How crazy would it be if they just walked around the corner?"

Russ looked up and saw a lady walking with a little boy and a wagon and said

"Cambra...

That's them. That's them!"

We said hello to his foster mom and then introduced ourselves to him. He was extremely shy and didn't quite want to make eye contact with us. 

His foster mom kept telling him, "remember, these are your new friends we were going to meet."

But he stayed to himself. She then laughed and told us, "well he has to be somewhat relieved! On the way here he was worried that you guys were tigers!"

The first hour or so that we walked around the grounds of the park, he kept his distance. He clung to his foster mom and, when he did venture a little ways away, he kept sneaking glances over his shoulder to make sure we weren't getting too close. 

He found a couple of oranges on the ground beneath a tree and collected them into his wagon and had his foster mom hold one. After walking through a couple of gates, a couple of times, he began tossing the orange and running after it. I asked if he wanted to race, and he gave me a firm 'NO'. He threw the orange at a palm tree and nailed it from at least 6 feet away, which we were impressed with for a 3 year old!

He then proceeded to chuck the orange at us and yell "WATCH OUT". 

In that order.

I couldn't help but laugh and think about telling him the story of the day we met, when he is much older, and telling him "yeaa, you chucked oranges at us." haha. 

It took about an hour or so for him to warm up and then we began playing on the playground. We played tag and hide and go seek. We built sand castles around the orange and pushed him on the swings for a little bit. 

We found a sprinkler box with a hole in it and he told us there was a snake living in there. I had goldfish in my purse so I asked if we should feed the snake. He decided we should and made quick pokes at the goldfish until it went down the hole. He was nervous there was a snake and that it would get him. As we sat there, he finally relaxed a bit and snuggled close to me as I showed him pictures of our house and videos of our puppy and nephew. He thought Echo was just the funniest thing and wanted to watch the videos over and over again.

Before we headed back to the car, we gave his foster mom some pictures of us for J. to hold on to. The change from our first seeing him, to us walking him back to his car was huge. We walked out of the park with him riding high atop Russell's shoulders and wanting to touch every leaf we walked by. He gave us huge hugs and just about burst my heart as he reached up and touched the side of Russell's face before laying his head on Russell's chest.

He gave us the biggest, squeeziest hugs I've ever received. We walked back to our car on cloud nine talking about all the things we were going to do on Sunday when we took him out for the day.

----

We just can't believe that he's ours. He's smart and funny. As well mannered as any 3 year old comes and wants so earnestly and completely to be loved.

He looked at Russell while Russell held him and said 

"Hey, I have blue eyes just like you!"

Foster mom sent me pictures throughout the day today. He is inseparable from the orange that "his friends gave him" and she sent a picture of him showing one of his foster brothers all the pictures we sent home with him. 

I really didn't think I would fall in love this quickly. I was prepared, realistically I thought, for this to take time. To even feel a little guarded but I find myself missing him already. Which feels crazy to say, but...its true...as scary and beautiful as it is.

My heart is officially his.

6 hours...

We are meeting J. at a park with his foster mom and case worker in 6 hours.

I've been all excitement until about 2 days ago and now I am...

terrified.

I have a million things to get done but all I can seem to do is pace around the house, exhale and be surprised at how hard my heart is beating. 

How does anyone keep their wits about them in this situation?

-----

In so many ways it feels like the beginning. The beginning of growing our family. The beginning of actually parenting a child. The beginning of all of our lives together.

But...

At the same time it feels like the end and the middle as well. We've wanted this for so long. It is an odd feeling to hold something so dear, yet so undefined, close to your heart and then one day have everything presented to you.  Here are the details of what/who you have been waiting for.

I'm nervous to meet my child and be introduced to him by a woman he calls mommy and who knows him better than I will for a long time.

-----

How do I introduce myself to him? 

"Hi! I'm Cambra!"

"Hi J., I'm mommy Cambra"

"Hey stranger, I'm a stranger. Come live with us!"

-----

Do I bring a toy?

Or will that set up expectations of gifts each time he sees us that we can't maintain forever?

Do I bring a snack?

When do we introduce our dog?

-----

When will my heart come out of my throat and let me love you like I want to?

Little Boy J.

October. 28, 2014

We had been waiting for this day for months, and somehow we knew we'd be getting a call today. We just knew it would work out like that...because life can get pretty crazy at times, and that seems to be the norm around here.

So around 8:30 on this beautiful Tuesday morning, I heard my phone start to ring and immediately realized it was our case worker calling. (We have a special tone set for her calls). Before answering my phone, I woke Russ up.

"Babe?"

"hhuuhh??..."

"Russell...Roxie is calling..."

"WHAT??"

"We knew it would happen like this..we knew it! Hello?"

Roxie continued to tell us that our home study was being worked on to change our license from adoption to foster care. We had decided that we were going to change our license at the beginning of the year and she was calling to tell us that, 

"BUT" she said "I have a call for a little boy."

She proceeded to tell us what she knew about J. and I knew it was him. Russell was still half awake, although startled, so I asked her if I could have some time to relay the info to Russ and I'd text her back. We texted her within 5 minutes:

"Russ says 'well, that sounds pretty awesome' 

We'd love to get more info"

-----

I remember sitting on the couch reading over the additional information, knowing and just thinking to myself...no way...we found him...

As soon as Russell walked through the door, I told him all about J. and he shook his head slightly and said something along the lines of 

"holy crap, this is totally him"

-----

The meeting was all set to take place at 9:00 Wednesday morning, so I emailed our case worker around 8 saying "fingers crossed for today!"

at 9:00 she emailed back

"actually,  meeting is rescheduled for tomorrow"

...

"ok, well, fingers crossed for tomorrow then" 

Really? This could be listed as a form of torture. But, part of us also knew that it'd be pushed back to be on Thursday...because, like I said...sometimes life gets crazy and that really, really seems to be the norm around here.

We went to Target and Russell picked out a little shirt for J. 

-----

So Thursday morning rolls around and we have no idea when the meeting for today is supposed to be. We cautiously hope its in the morning, but aren't expecting anything. The day before, we had learned that there were at least 4 families involved in the selection process...which is a ton. Part of us felt like we should feel nervous, but through this whole process, we just knew. 

Roxie called a little after 10:00. I stared at my phone for a second, took a deep breath and answered:

"Hello?"

"Good news!"

"Oh my goodness, I'm so glad you led with that! I don't want to say we knew, but we knew!"

She told us that there was another family in the running who actually knew some of J's relations that he was still close to and she thought we were out for sure. But she really brought it home and the fact that we volunteer with kids at the crisis center along with our blip as 'safety monitors', swayed J's case worker in our favor.

-----

Monday night we left 40 minutes early to get to the meeting and arrived 10 minutes late. I've never felt so anxious in traffic in my entire life.

We finally get to the meeting and, luckily, J's caseworker started with pictures.

I always get teary eyed when I think about big moments in my life. When Russell and I were preparing to get married, when meeting new nieces and nephews, seeing a picture of my 3 1/2 year old son for the first time...

But it never goes like that. I go into this surreal, try to listen, floaty mode. Where I just say, "ok" to all the things I thought I would cry and give emphatic yes!-es and of course!s.

At the close of the meeting we set a time for this friday (11/14/14) to meet J. Russell and I walked out to the parking lot where he kept hugging me and saying 

"I'm so excited!"

-----

I can't believe we're meeting our son on Friday. We aren't sure if he'll have been told that he is being adopted or if we'll just be introduced as foster mom's friends...who will just keep showing up...

We bought a kite, just in case there is a breeze.

11 Things No One Told Me About Being "Pregnant"

11 Things Nobody Told Me About Being 'Pregnant":

An infertile/adoptive Mama-to-be's Two Cents.

Not being too technical with the timing, I just wanted to share my two cents on what I have learned in the past 29th months of my being 'pregnant'.

1. 'Pregnancy' lasts longer than 9 months.
No, I'm not talking about the whole, 'didn't you know, pregnancy actually. like technically, lasts ten months??!". I'm talking about years. From that first hopeful pregnancy test, to a year later when you finally talk to a doctor, to three years later when the fifth doctor gives you that sympathetic look, shakes their head and says...'we just don't know whats wrong'. Anyone who dares tell you that you don't know what it's like to be pregnant, or to 'just wait till you're pregnant, you'll know', I give you full permission to punch them smack in the face.

(Not really though, because punching people is going to look
cra-A-zay
on your adoption home study.)

No, mama, you're pregnancy isn't the 'preggers, prego, pregpreg', stretchy pants (although, hell yea for stretchy pants) type of pregnancy. We're talking seperate but equal, and, my friend, it is surely just as tangible.


2. Your Hormones Will Go Crazy.

Clomid? Femara? hCG? FSH? hMG? GnRH?
Babe, you're hot flashing, night sweating, bloaty bloating, meltdown sobbing, craving binge-ing with the best of 'em.

3. People will give you really dumb advice.
No, like, REALLY dumb advice

"You've been trying for three years? Oh, I know how you feel. We tried for three whole months with our 5th and nothing worked! Until my aunt finally told me to just stay in bed for a little while, you know, *hehe* afterwards and BOOM! PREGGERS!" 

Oh em gee, if someone would have told me that BEFORE I went through a Hysterosalpingogram and polypectomy that.would've,been.RAD.

freaking.rad.

4. "Due Dates" are speculative.
Everyone knows someone who knows someone, who knows someone, who is infertile and/or has adopted and it happened like, so fast for them. So.Fast. They also know someone, who knows someone, who you get the idea, who got preggers RIGHT after they adopted.

There is no time frame for these things. Maybe it'll happen your first try, maybe it'll happen your seventh, maybe four years later, you'll get the call that your little's are waiting for you two states away.

Be strong mama. You can want to THIS-IS-SPARTA everyone who tells you to 'just enjoy this time' into a big black hole, but afterwards take their advice and feel the privilege that comes with getting to know your own heart in ways that only wanting and patience can make clear.

5. You can still get false negatives on an HPT.
Psh, they don't know you.
Throw those dollar store pee-oh-esses in the trash and spend your Washingtons on something for yourself.

6.  You're going to lose a LOT of sleep and have bat-poop crazy dreams.

Walk across the country barefoot with a boy scout group and you can have a baby?
All.freaking.day.man.

Not to even talk about all the back lash from fertility medications, there are some long nights ahead of you. The discomfort of not know when they're baby will be home, if they're safe, where they are, if they know you love them, are enough to keep any mama awake at night.

7. There is really no excuse to gain extra weight
Go out with your girls, but just know, that food baby is allll you.

8. You have no idea what your little is going to look like.

Danger-Russ and I were both blonde-haired-SPF-lovers when we were little but we wouldn't be the least bit surprised to be tucking in little dark skinned beauties in each night.

9. You'll want to nest like crazy.

You'll peruse baby stores, craigslist, Ikea, anywhere really. But, not knowing who or when your little is going to get here makes nursery building pretty darn tough. You'll think about it though, and that's just fine. Pin those things you think are cute or helpful for your little miss or sir.

10. You really can't be sure just how big they are going to be.

My family has a pretty substantial history of big babies, my youngest brother was over 11 pounds. Just because you aren't pushing out that 30 lb toddler...or two, doesn't mean he didn't grow in you.

Sometimes babies are grown in mom's hearts, and not in their bellies.

11. All you will be able to think about is how badly you want to hold them in your arms and keep imagining the day when they finally get here.

You're a mama, that's just what mamas do.


---

So, Congrats, dear friend, on your pregnancy, be it 9 months or 90. Sometimes you'll feel so tired you want to give up and other times you'll feel on top of the world.
Enjoy it, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

You're an amazing mama, and your littles will love you for it.

Waiting for the BIG wait

This is Echo's 'meet the puppy' page from our photo book we made for our future kids...

OUR FUTURE KIDS!!

Remember how my second to last post was about us STARTING foster care/adoption classes? oh, hi, Well, we had our final home visit on Wednesday.

I knew Roxie wasn't going to scour my house or anything of that sort, but we spent all day cleaning and dusting and mopping and re-cleaning, nonetheless. 

She told us she'd be here around 4, so I was horrified when Russ insisted he had to go to the post office at 3:40 and didn't get home until ten past. 

Sheesh.

It was honestly painless, for the most part. 

She came in and we talked for a little bit, while Echo tried to lick every square inch of her shin, then she checked the house. It wasn't nearly as extensive as the foster care check. She made sure we had our smoke alarms in place, fire extinguisher (which we didn't have but ran out and got that night), made sure we had an extra bedroom and checked to see that we had locks on the cabinets and a lock for medicines. We don't own any fire arms (don't go robbing our house, now...you'll be disappointed anyway) so there was nothing to check there...and that's really it. 

We then went over...the list...you know, that dreaded adoption criteria list where you essentially feel like they are asking you just how good of a person you are. 

"Would you adopt a child with a developmental disability? Yes, No or Maybe?"

umm...we, uh, umm, no...

*notes: lacks compassion

"Would you adopt a child of an ethnicity other than your own? Yes, No or Maybe for each."

Yes, (double check with each other). Umm well that one might be a maybe...that ones a no...

*notes: racist

Granted, we know no notes were taken saying that we are un-compassionate racists, but gosh darn it! It was hard not to just stare at the ground when answering no to certain questions. All we can do is be honest with ourselves though...and sometimes honesty is hard.

We've been bouncing back and forth between if we are open to a sibling group of two, (and increased chance of bonding, but holy crow! Two kids right off the bat?? As well as a potentially shorter wait time...) or if we were going to hold out for a single child. It was a really hard decision and we're still reeling from the fact that we are now going to be listed on the registry as open to adopting two children. If it is a single kid, we want someone between 0-3 but for the sibling group...even though we hadn't really talked about going up to 4, we.just..did...so our age range for siblings is for them to both be between 0 - 4. 

Roxie has 7 days from last Monday to submit our licensing information and then like 40 days (I forget exactly) from there to submit our information to the state to get our certification to adopt...and then we're live. She said she was essentially finished with our home study (luckily, we thought all paperwork had to be DONE by paperwork night, so we had everything handed in and got scheduled for our home studies, etc, pretty early) and between now and when we are actually hanging out on the registry, 

you know...just waiting for the call that will change our lives forever...

in about a month.

I keep going back and forth between not letting myself get too excited, or excited at all really, to can't contain myself "I'VE WAITED SEVEN YEARS TO HAVE CHILDREN AND ITS GOING TO HAPPEN!" and back to meh, if it happens it happens but we've felt failure with this before and we survived...so, it'll all be okay....

...

right? 

...

I'm sure everyone feels this way, but I have this nagging little hope that it'll be soon, like within the next 3 months that we get our call. But again, my heart gets all worked up over that thought and my brain/experience/need for emotional self preservation shuts it down pretty hard.

Anywho, this is getting long. The last 12 weeks have been crazy, especially the last month...and between the safety monitor thing (oh yea, we have an adorable, but teething and very active, 11 month old living with us for the next little bit) finishing up adoption stuff, Russ studying for the GMAT and just...life in general...we don't see it slowing down anytime soon.