Thursday, December 13, 2012

This is 25: Letting go of expectations.

This morning I found myself standing alone, dressed in a hospital gown in a dimly lit room and couldn't help but think

This isn't mine.

I knew if I breathed in too deeply, I might cry. 

Not because I was nervous.
Not because Russell couldn't come in with me.
Not because I was afraid of what I might find out.

But, because it wasn't mine.


Not my life.
Not my plan.
Not my 26th year.
Not mine.


I slipped on my shoes and looked down at my feet, past the gown and down to the fiesta colored slippers Russ bought me for our anniversary....



I've spent so much time running away from accepting the fact that I have over 4 years of heartache trying to get pregnant as part of my life. It is mine. Better or worse, it is part of who I am and who I will become. It is something that defines a part of me... and is a near constant struggle to not let consume me.

Most days I know that I am more than this, but some days I can't help but question if I am less. Some days, even just some hours, it feels too close...too thorough and too concrete to ever change, and I feel so completely overwhelmed that it is mine.

Even though its not the small house with a big yard with the children so seemingly perfect, that I could just kiss their tiny fingers and toes. 


Even though it isn't those is a husband who splits an ice cream with me after I cry about it sometimes feeling like it'll never change and the way it is, is just too much. It is the way he kisses me softly and, if even for that brief turning moment between crumbling down and realizing I can stand back up, it is knowing completely and fully that everything is going to be okay.

It, this life, this experience, this heartache, this love... is mine. 
This is my 25, its not at all what I had expected, not exactly what I had thought I wanted.
It is hard.
It is beautiful.

It is mine.


  1. I loved this and related to it so much! i feel like letting go of expectations is just a part of life. I never could have imagined my life I have now and I so thankful and appreciate the way things have unfolded for me, even if it wasn't what I thought i wanted originally!

    1. I'm glad you could relate! I've been thinking about how much easier trials have been when there is someone else going through something I decided to buck up and get it out there :) thanks for your kind words.

  2. Oh boy. This post stabbed me to my heart... I have been there so, so many times, and felt so many of those very same thoughts. "This isn't my life. This isn't what I wanted. THIS ISN'T WHAT I WANT TO BE LIVING!" Even after I did get pregnant this year, I was shocked to find out how much of that I still struggled with. I was so happy to be pregnant, obviously, but I found myself looking at all my friends with their 2-3 kids apiece and thinking, "I love being pregnant, but I still want to be a mom of toddlers already. Why can't I have that?" I managed to work through that and am back to a place of peace now, but it really startled me to see just how much of that did NOT go away when I finally got my dream.

    Your words are brave and beautiful. Thanks for sharing them.

  3. Even though it made me sad, you wrote this so beautifully Cambra. I hate watching the most perfect people, people who are destined to be parents, ache for children. It's not fair. But God has a plan for you guys. And just think, all this aching and patience is going to make it even ten million times better when it comes. But until it does, lean on Russ and lean on Him. I'm so glad you have Russ. I'm sorry I'm terrible with words Cambra, but I love
    You so much! I'm only a phone call away :)

  4. This breaks my heart into so many pieces yet at the same time reaffirms what I have always known about you. Since the first day I laid eyes on your sweet, cherubic little face, I have known that you are far more than the sum of your moments here on this earth. I saw a wisdom in that beautiful face that could only have come from being that valiant spirit you are, before you stepped into this mortal body you now possess. You are and always have been an inspiration to me!