Monday, January 6, 2014

Fertility...everyday: When to call it quits

This picture has nothing to do with anything. 
Except that I like it. 
And I liked the moment.
And sometimes that just has to be enough.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what is enough. Good enough, fast enough, patient enough, hard enough, easy enough
...long enough.

It has been brewing in my mind and in my heart for the past several weeks, but I guess finding myself sobbing in our second bedroom melt-down-cleaning late last night is what it finally took for me to realize that. I've tried long enough.

I've been carrying this whole infertility bit for going on 7 years now.

7 years...

There were times when I felt that I was growing, times I felt like I was failing and times that I just felt like I was being left behind or forgotten. But worst of all...there were times that I just felt numb. Infertility didn't hurt anymore and I came to realize that infertility didn't hurt me anymore because it had entirely consumed me and there was little left of me to hurt. 

I've been fighting to see what me there is left and what parts there are, are all defined by my ability or lack of ability to have children. I've entirely lost who I am and have let a struggle define me instead of enrich me. And I can't do it anymore.

Well, that isn't necessarily true...because I can, and will, but not right now. Right now is about getting myself back to the girl Russ wanted to marry and still sees, but I'm sure misses most days.

This will be a big year for Russell and I and I so badly want to be fully present, so for the time being, for I'm not sure how long...for the first time in a really long time...

I'm letting the whole infertility thing go.


2014 is the year to like little things and just have moments that are happy but aren't on a checklist to getting closer to being pregnant.

Its the year of chickens in leaves and letting go of the weight.

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