I knew I loved you before I met you

One year ago today, this is exactly where I was. Nervous, excited....oddly at peace. 

I knew that whatever happened, that day I would be pregnant until proven otherwise. 

This day one year ago was the last day I ever had to be apart from my girls.

Science is amazing, but above all God is amazing.

Hi, you.

Somewhere around 24 weeks...I think?

I'm not sure when the last time I posted in this blog was...but it was quite some time ago.

SO much has been happening around here...which means I should be better at documenting it, right? Wrong. So wrong.

Earlier this year, as we were driving home from one of our billion appointments, Russell and I were talking about how crazy last year was.

Lemme non-chronologically recap a few bits of 2014:

• We moved from our apartment into a duplex
• We got sealed!
• Russell changed shifts at work from 9-5 m-f to three 12 hour shifts a week.
• We had a 10 month old baby (K.) live with us for a few months...that was crazy...
• I ran a 10k (which was a big deal for me!)
• Russell passed his series 7
• I did my first couple boutique shows and actually sold things in my etsy shop (for a bit anyways)
• We started and finished foster/adopt classes
• we were considered as adoptive parents for 5 different kids (2 of which we were considered for twice)
• We did IVF (that's a beast of a post for another time...)
• We finally got pregnant
• we found out we were having TWINS
• We were chosen to be adoptive parents for J. and he moved in with us.
• We house shopped...but didn't find anything that convinced us to commit

Now we're sitting here in 2015 and this year is shaping up to be just as crazy...

• We're still in our ghetto little duplex, and we actually really like living here.
• Russ is still working 3/12's and we really enjoy having him home several days a week, but the first half of the week is pretty rough. 
• I'm still expecting to be called any day now to testify in K's trial...if it ever goes to court...such a mess. 
•  Russ is now working on his level 1 CFA and it.is.a.beast. The man studies like crazy and even then, he wishes he could find more time to study. It's a big test.
• We found out we are having twin girls!

I don't want to put it in a bullet point, but I'm also not really sure how much I want to talk about it on here, but after several months of living with us, J. went back to his family. It is a really, really good thing and I can't describe the experience as anything but bittersweet. Russell still gets quiet when we find something of his or if we talk about him. It's hard, but at the same time, we know that he is exactly where he needs to be with the parents he is supposed to be with and they love him so stinking much. He's a totally different kid with them, and that....that is a beautiful, miraculous thing. 

Life is so crazy...

There is no way I could have guessed my life would follow the course it has, but at the same time I am so, so very thankful for all of the wonderful things that I get to experience despite/because of the crazy.

...

So, yep. 

Consider yourself briefly, non-chronologically, updated.

...somewhat.

11 Things No One Told Me About Being "Pregnant"

11 Things Nobody Told Me About Being 'Pregnant":

An infertile/adoptive Mama-to-be's Two Cents.

Not being too technical with the timing, I just wanted to share my two cents on what I have learned in the past 29th months of my being 'pregnant'.

1. 'Pregnancy' lasts longer than 9 months.
No, I'm not talking about the whole, 'didn't you know, pregnancy actually. like technically, lasts ten months??!". I'm talking about years. From that first hopeful pregnancy test, to a year later when you finally talk to a doctor, to three years later when the fifth doctor gives you that sympathetic look, shakes their head and says...'we just don't know whats wrong'. Anyone who dares tell you that you don't know what it's like to be pregnant, or to 'just wait till you're pregnant, you'll know', I give you full permission to punch them smack in the face.

(Not really though, because punching people is going to look
cra-A-zay
on your adoption home study.)

No, mama, you're pregnancy isn't the 'preggers, prego, pregpreg', stretchy pants (although, hell yea for stretchy pants) type of pregnancy. We're talking seperate but equal, and, my friend, it is surely just as tangible.


2. Your Hormones Will Go Crazy.

Clomid? Femara? hCG? FSH? hMG? GnRH?
Babe, you're hot flashing, night sweating, bloaty bloating, meltdown sobbing, craving binge-ing with the best of 'em.

3. People will give you really dumb advice.
No, like, REALLY dumb advice

"You've been trying for three years? Oh, I know how you feel. We tried for three whole months with our 5th and nothing worked! Until my aunt finally told me to just stay in bed for a little while, you know, *hehe* afterwards and BOOM! PREGGERS!" 

Oh em gee, if someone would have told me that BEFORE I went through a Hysterosalpingogram and polypectomy that.would've,been.RAD.

freaking.rad.

4. "Due Dates" are speculative.
Everyone knows someone who knows someone, who knows someone, who is infertile and/or has adopted and it happened like, so fast for them. So.Fast. They also know someone, who knows someone, who you get the idea, who got preggers RIGHT after they adopted.

There is no time frame for these things. Maybe it'll happen your first try, maybe it'll happen your seventh, maybe four years later, you'll get the call that your little's are waiting for you two states away.

Be strong mama. You can want to THIS-IS-SPARTA everyone who tells you to 'just enjoy this time' into a big black hole, but afterwards take their advice and feel the privilege that comes with getting to know your own heart in ways that only wanting and patience can make clear.

5. You can still get false negatives on an HPT.
Psh, they don't know you.
Throw those dollar store pee-oh-esses in the trash and spend your Washingtons on something for yourself.

6.  You're going to lose a LOT of sleep and have bat-poop crazy dreams.

Walk across the country barefoot with a boy scout group and you can have a baby?
All.freaking.day.man.

Not to even talk about all the back lash from fertility medications, there are some long nights ahead of you. The discomfort of not know when they're baby will be home, if they're safe, where they are, if they know you love them, are enough to keep any mama awake at night.

7. There is really no excuse to gain extra weight
Go out with your girls, but just know, that food baby is allll you.

8. You have no idea what your little is going to look like.

Danger-Russ and I were both blonde-haired-SPF-lovers when we were little but we wouldn't be the least bit surprised to be tucking in little dark skinned beauties in each night.

9. You'll want to nest like crazy.

You'll peruse baby stores, craigslist, Ikea, anywhere really. But, not knowing who or when your little is going to get here makes nursery building pretty darn tough. You'll think about it though, and that's just fine. Pin those things you think are cute or helpful for your little miss or sir.

10. You really can't be sure just how big they are going to be.

My family has a pretty substantial history of big babies, my youngest brother was over 11 pounds. Just because you aren't pushing out that 30 lb toddler...or two, doesn't mean he didn't grow in you.

Sometimes babies are grown in mom's hearts, and not in their bellies.

11. All you will be able to think about is how badly you want to hold them in your arms and keep imagining the day when they finally get here.

You're a mama, that's just what mamas do.


---

So, Congrats, dear friend, on your pregnancy, be it 9 months or 90. Sometimes you'll feel so tired you want to give up and other times you'll feel on top of the world.
Enjoy it, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

You're an amazing mama, and your littles will love you for it.

On having things handed to me...

Tomorrow night is paper night...

You would think this whole past month has been paper night, but nay.

Tomorrow night we meet with all the anxious potential parents to be to go over our "personality profiles"...or the massive amount of overly personal questions that they only give two lines to answer.

We are definitely looking forward to it!

---

All sassy-mouthing aside.

 I've been thinking a lot lately about the difference between being supported and having things handed to me and I'm realizing more and more that I am increasingly grateful for my whole life being supported but not being catered to or having things handed to me.

I am grateful that this opportunity hasn't come easy to us. In a way, and maybe just for this moment, and never again...I am grateful for all of it. The infertility, the heartache, the waiting, the intrusion, the waiting...looking back at it all and then looking forward to how amazing the reward will be (whenever it is that it finally comes)...I'm glad that I can take a step back, holding our little one and in that moment realize that nothing was handed to us, but every single paper, every failed doctor's visit, every home study, fingerprint, 3 hour class, and tear was worth it.

So very worth it.

Growing a foot or two...

I've been experiencing an interesting phenomenon... 

Through the years of infertility, the gory treatments and the crazy hormonal swings, I had no problem opening up to people (fellow infertility sufferers, friends, curious bystanders, etc) about our journey with infertility.

Until...

A few months ago we decided to start looking at adoption. For some reason I was anxious to talk to anyone about it. There were a small number of people I had questions for and told, but for some reason adoption hasn't been something I have felt confident in confiding we are looking into.

Maybe it is all the uncertainty that comes with it...the lack of any sort of timeline guarantee.

Maybe its just being tired having so many people involved in my little family becoming a bigger family. (Who aren't already friends and family, ya follow?)

Or maybe it is all the negative rhetoric floating around between birth moms and adoptive moms...can't we all just be moms? 

I was so worried that people would judge me. I've had some (hopefully) unintentionally harsh experiences working in nursery where moms would 'joke' about me not pretending their kid was mine, after they found out I was struggling with infertility. What? Yea....I hope this was just poor comedic prowess on their part, but it hurt my feelings and it scared me. On discussion boards there were inevitable comments from birth mothers calling adoptive mothers 'baby snatchers' and making remarks about adoptive mothers pressuring birth mothers into giving up their babies. 

I'm sure there are truths and exaggerations to both sides of the story, but the idea of another woman thinking of me as someone who took her child and was now 'pretending' to be that child's mother weighed on my heart. (It's about time I stop being so caught up in what other people think of me, right? ugh, right.)

With all that flapping in the wind, I have reached my point of excitement and being truly able to invest my hopes in the adoption process as a way to add to our family.

So, I guess all that is left to do is wish us luck.

and patience...

cause we're going to need it.

But really guys...

really truly...

WE'RE SO EXCITED!

queue the never ending paperwork!

Fertility...everyday: When to call it quits

This picture has nothing to do with anything. 

Except that I like it. 

And I liked the moment.

And sometimes that just has to be enough.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what is enough. Good enough, fast enough, patient enough, hard enough, easy enough

...long enough.

It has been brewing in my mind and in my heart for the past several weeks, but I guess finding myself sobbing in our second bedroom melt-down-cleaning late last night is what it finally took for me to realize that. I've tried long enough.

I've been carrying this whole infertility bit for going on 7 years now.

7 years...

There were times when I felt that I was growing, times I felt like I was failing and times that I just felt like I was being left behind or forgotten. But worst of all...there were times that I just felt numb. Infertility didn't hurt anymore and I came to realize that infertility didn't hurt me anymore because it had entirely consumed me and there was little left of me to hurt. 

I've been fighting to see what me there is left and what parts there are, are all defined by my ability or lack of ability to have children. I've entirely lost who I am and have let a struggle define me instead of enrich me. And I can't do it anymore.

Well, that isn't necessarily true...because I can, and will, but not right now. Right now is about getting myself back to the girl Russ wanted to marry and still sees, but I'm sure misses most days.

This will be a big year for Russell and I and I so badly want to be fully present, so for the time being, for I'm not sure how long...for the first time in a really long time...

I'm letting the whole infertility thing go.

---

2014 is the year to like little things and just have moments that are happy but aren't on a checklist to getting closer to being pregnant.

Its the year of chickens in leaves and letting go of the weight.

Fertility Friday: Nature Throid

This is my third week on Nature Throid, having switched over from Levothyroxin. 

The doctor will be calling next week to check in on symptoms. 

I just get to tell them that my hair is STILL falling out.

But, on the bright side, I do feel a difference with the vitamin D.

That's about it.

Fertility Friday: Acupuncture

Since opening up my acceptance to non-conventional, non-westernized methods of approaching this whole fertility thing, I started seeing an acupuncturist. I had read a study that supported the use of acupuncture in conjunction with other fertility treatments as beneficial, so I figured why not. 

Weird, right?

I was pretty nervous because, well, someone was going to stick needles all over my body and from any pictures of acupuncture I've seen, there are just needles everywhere and your in your skivvies and whatever. But it wasn't like that at all. 

I got to my appointment 15 - 20 minutes early, just like going to any clinic/doctor for the first time. Filled out the same paperwork: how old are you, what are you symptoms, when was your last cycle, blah blah blah. I feel like I should just have an infertility resume that I can just give them so I don't have to fill it all out again. 

Oh, yes, I have experience in consecutive treatment cycles and over 5 years of experience with hypothyroidism, I think I'm a perfect candidate to frakin be pregnant already!

anywho...

The acupuncturist just went over all the paperwork with me again, took my pulse, looked at my tongue, and then had me hop up on the table laying on my back with a pillow under my knees. He sterilized each area where the needle would be going and then just popped them in there. He put 2 -3 in each foot and each leg, 2-3 in the back of each hand and 2-3 on my forehead and 2-3 in my hair in a line straight back from my nose. 

He had warned me that I might feel an 'electricity sensation' running up and down or itching or heaviness but I really didn't feel anything. If I wiggled it just felt as if something was brushing up against a hair. There was the tiniest of pinches on one of the ones he put into my hand, and one of the ones in my forehead made my forehead tighten up for a few minutes at first but other than that, I really didn't feel them and it wasn't uncomfortable or painful at all. He  had me hang out for 10 minutes and then came back in and 'stimulated' the needles, it just felt like he twisted them, which didn't hurt either. I hung out for another 10 minutes, he came in and took all the needles out and told me to just take my time getting up because some people feel dizzy. 

I didn't feel anything really, I felt relaxed but I was just focusing on my breathing for 20 minutes so it may just have been from that. I did, however sleep like a log the night after, which he said I would, so if nothing else, that was awesome :)

I go back in the first week of December for my second round, we're going with an every other week thing since I'm still getting things figured out with my new doctor. But, from my first experience I'd say acupuncture is a potential thing that definitely doesn't hurt and worst comes to worst you get some extra meditation time. 

Fertility Fridays: Liquid Sunshine

All of my blood work came back really quickly and I was able to get back in to see my doctor yesterday. From all of the results everything was in a normal range, although potentially not 'optimal' for me specifically.

The one glaring result that my doctor was concerned with, was my low levels of vitamin D. The 'normal' range for vitamin D levels in an adult female is between 30.1-100.0 ng/mL and I'm limbo-ing low under that bar at 19.5. 

I'm familiar with vitamin D, and I know that vitamin D3 is the best to take. I started taking vitamin D last winter to help chase away the winter blues and it did a great job. However, once the sun came out, and after I moved to Zion and worked outside, and especially since moving to the sun state, Arizona, I've become incredibly lax in my vigilance towards my vitamin D routine. My doctor said that a lot of people in the Northern Hemisphere are vitamin D deficient (D for deficient, I guess) and that I should be taking 5000 iu's a day every day. 

She told me it should help with that 2 pm crash that leaves me wanting to sleep the day away and my apathy. (Funny story, I guess my 'depression' manifests itself more as apathy than actually weepy, moody depression...this explains a lot...sorry house, dishes, laundry, sewing...everything).

As I do, I googled the link between vitamin D deficiency and fertility and found several studies that claimed 93% of women facing infertility have a vitamin D deficiency. 

Say what? 

Why has no doctor ever tested my D levels before? 

I also learned that vitamin D is fat soluble whereas most vitamins are water soluble and that vitamin D, although a vitamin, is actually a hormone as well. And that the whole dang shebang is pretty much the vitamin equivalent in function to the thyroid, it controls/contributes to the function of EVERYTHING. Awesome, right? So thyroid on the fritz? Strike one. Vitamin D levels also on the fritz...you're just driving a fertility lemon at this point.

So, summary for all that, I'm taking 5000 iu's a day in conjunction with switching my levothyroxine over to nature throid at a slightly higher than equivalent dose to what I'm on now.

27 Goals for the 27th Year of Life

Birthday outfit and puppy bites. sweet.

Welp, I'm officially over the fence-sittin age of 25 and have been plunked firmly in my 'late twenties'. ew.

In celebration of my 26th birthday, and...eagearness(?) to fully claim this 27th year of life:

27 Goals for my 27th Year of Life:

1. Have a baby (ugh, seriously though)

2. Go to the Ocean

3. Get my sewing space organized and functional

4. Make my bed every day (about time, yea?)

5. Regain my flexibility to do a full forward fold.

6. Regain flexibility to extend into a solid 'bird of paradise'

7. Quit carbonation (again) (RIP Slurpies)

8. Complete a multi-pitch climb without crying

9. Be able to complete 10 respectable push-ups in a row 

(I did my first legit push-up in my entire life this year, haha, yikes)

10. Listen to/read 3 talks from LDS.org every week

11. Attend the temple once a month

12. Keep my heart and mind open for more opportunities to serve

13.  Start/Finish my teaching certificate

14. Make something for my home

15. Sew Russell an awesome button up shirt 

(must be awesome to qualify)

16. Watch the sunrise with Russ

17. Throw a New Years Eve party

18. Prepare my first Thanksgiving dinner by myself

19. Have a real Christmas tree! 

(This is our year, I can feel it!)

20. Finish writing that darn book I've been running away from

21. Teach Echo a new trick

22. Sign up for and run a 5k

23. FINALLY acquire my dream white bedding

24. Try a food I've never tried before

25. Go on a boat

26. Leave the country 

(I'll come back, I promise)

AND

27. Complete foster care training to see if it is a right fit for us.

Fertility Friday: Second Chances

After experiencing the harshness and hot flashes that is Western medicine's approach to fertility treatments, the last couple weeks I have been looking into more natural approaches. 

Am I shunning another round...or seven... of clomid or femara? 

No.

Am I anti IUI or IVF?

No.

What I am, at this point in time, is looking to give my body a second chance. 

I'm giving my body back the full confidence that it can do this. I can do hard things. My body can also accomplish hard things. 

I've always been the type of person to 'get over' a cold on my own, or tough out a headache, etc.. I never wanted to have to take ibuprofen, or any other medicine for that matter, if my body could work through it by itself. When I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, it took me several solid months to come to terms with the fact that I had to take a pill, every.single.day for the rest of my life to help my body just function how it was supposed to, not to even mention get pregnant.

I know that taking a tiny pill isn't a hard act, and that others have it so much harder than I do. It was just the idea that I wasn't able to do it on my own. My body couldn't even do what it was supposed to be doing. Maybe its a commentary on my confidence, but it was really difficult for me to get used to needing daily medical intervention. (Even though it was small intervention).

After the thyroid medication came more pills, clomid, femara, metformin, others I don't even remember the name of. And the more pills that came the more I accepted that my body was broken, that I couldn't heal or be capable of getting pregnant or carrying that pregnancy on my own. I felt entirely invaded at first. Not wanting all the pins and needles and questions about my body, intimate life, eating habits, exercise habits to be laid out for a stranger to examine and pass judgement on. 

I finally let go of the idea of getting pregnant as an intimate experience shared only by my husband and me. I came to terms with third and fourth parties playing a role in this part of my life that was never supposed to be theirs. 

But with that, I let go of the fact that it was mine.

 I was always conscious of eating healthy, being active and in general taking care of myself, but I approached my fertility with a blind hope that someday, somewhere, some doctor would give me the right pill, perform the right surgery, chance into the right timing and we would finally have our baby.

I had completely given up on thinking my body could do this, and I put blind hope into finding the thing that could. 

Maybe it is something that comes with age, or experience, but I've come to find out that doctors aren't always right. Am I a doctor? Do I have their training? No, and that isn't what I am trying to say. With the understanding that doctors aren't always right, or always 100% right, I have come to terms with giving my body a second chance.

I don't want another pill or injection to make this happen one time (Don't get me wrong, I'll take it if that's what I need). I want to heal my body and give it the attention, exercise, detoxification, sleep, timing, whatever, it needs to be able to do this. Or at least assist in this. 

So, I'm giving my body a second chance. I'm seeing a naturopathic doctor and next week I'm beginning acupuncture treatments. 

I want to say I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but I don't want to just hope with crossed fingers anymore. I'm done being infertile, entirely over it. 

Its time to fight back.

Fertility Friday: Stop Naming Your Children...

Seriously though...

Maybe its just because we're Mormon and Mormons have babies. Lots of babies. Every one of them. Lots of Mormon babies. Which is awesome, don't get me wrong.

But, I sit here with a dozen names picked out for my hopefully future children and watch as they get plucked up one by one. 

Now we could play the hey, we are naming our kids XYZ so don't name your kid that (immediate family and cousins, close friends, you know) and play the whole guilt trip infertility card. 

"Yea, we've liked the name XYZ since we started trying to get pregnant...5 years ago, hopefully no one takes it. How far along are you again? Do you have a name picked out" 

Yea, not anymore you don't.

But, it just so happens that we have decided not to tell anyone our names we have picked out until we actually have the kid. Yea, we're going to be those obnoxious people. We just don't want other people's opinions on the matter. If we really like a name (that we already refer to our non-existent kids as  ((awww creepy cute))) we don't want to hear "ew, my cousin's, mom's, ex-boyfriend (who was really a jerk)'s, best friend's dog's pet kangaroo was named that and he bit me once. 

It is just one of those ridiculous things with infertility that we really can't do anything about. We can't tell our loved ones not to use 'our' names...that they don't even know...but by golly if the world could just hold their horses for one moment and stop snatching up the heaven babies and let one (or two, we don't care) come our way we wouldn't have to head butt you

...in our heads...

 when we hear you've named your kid the name we've been holding onto for years.

Easy as that.

Fertility Friday: Metformin

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that a doctor had put me on metformin. 

I also mentioned that they didn't really have a substantiated reason for doing so. 

I read about all of the horrible affects of Metformin, along with those who claimed no side affects whatsoever. Well, lucky me I'm touting with the bunch who claim 

'this frakin sucks'.

I started metformin around the same time I was finishing up my last extravadance at the costume shop.

(*read* 50 hour work weeks and late late nights mixed in with finals) and around the same time as our last round of Femara.

Let me just tell you how excited a pill-a-phobe like me was to be on both a cancer drug and a diabetes drug at the same time all in the name of having babies. 

I was  not. It scared the whits out of me honestly.

I'm still grappling, at times more than others, with not being able to just 'get pregnant' without some sort of medical intervention. I mean, I don't even like taking Ibuprofen, so this whole pill popping business is not something I'm too keen on...but if it's what will work, I'll do it every day for the rest of my life.

Anyway, back to Metformin. My doctor mentioned that for women with PCOS, Metformin has helped substantially in their ability to conceive. (*note* he didn't say that I had or didn't have PCOS, he just kinda threw that out there) He also said that in fertility testing, Metformin had positive affects that they weren't really sure how they came about, so I should just start taking it to see what happens. 

I started out with 1 pill in the mornings to get used to it, starting at 500mg for the first week or two. I did just that and every day felt a range between sort of sick for the majority of the time to please shoot me in the head and don't you dare block my path to the bathroom sick. It sucked. Psychologically it especially was hard because I was most sick in the mornings and at night, so every morning I woke up to imagining my 'morning sickness' of sorts wasn't due to me taking some random drug but that maybe...just maybe...

So, that was great.

After the first week, I tried taking a pill in the morning and at night and it nearly debilitated me. I don't know what it was about that up in the dosage but I was sick ALL THE TIME. Full on sweating, running to the bathroom, laying in bed, sick. I talked to my doctor about this and he said to just go back to taking the one pill in the morning, because one was better than none. Even though he gave me no specific reason why it was 'better' at all. Ugh.

After taking the one morning pill for 2 - 3 months and having nothing happen, especially after my polypectomy I was just done feeling sick. Especially since I was guiding canyons and ATV tours and other hour+ long activities with no access to a restroom, for the summer...so I just stopped. I still have refills on the prescription and I still look at it from time to time and research it now and then but I just don't see myself going that route again...

as always, we'll see. 

Fertility Friday: Saline Ultrasound

Disclaimer: if you are sqeemish, or easily grossed out 

DO NOT READ THIS POST 

:)

its just too funny/humiliating/I've-so-been-there-you-can-make-it-through-too 

to not post. 

I mentioned in my last fertility friday post that I had a saline ultrasound/sonogram/SIS done several months back and it was an experience that I was in no way prepared for....

So if you are where I was 6 months ago and scouring the interwebs for an honest account of what that little procedure is like....here's my account.

Let's be honest here, this procedure was one of the most painful things I have ever felt in my life.

I bebopped my way into the doctor's office with Russ in tow, we filled out the ever present paperwork, they weighed me for the forty-millionth time and I changed into my favorite 2013 accessory, the paper robe. 

I had had several intra-uterine ultrasounds previously and didn't really think anything of this one. I hadn't been told to expect anything and wasn't instructed to prepare in any specific way except to come in while I'm still on my period (super gross, I know).

Anyway, I pop up onto the table and my trusty hubs is sitting by my side everything starts out similar to a pap, when the Dr. warns me they they are 'sanitizing my cervix', poetic, no? That wasn't necessarily painful so much as just uncomfortable and cold.

The proceed with more poking and prodding when they inform me they will be injecting the saline and I will feel 'a little pressure' (What is this, the dentist?)

Cue full blown intense menstrual cramps/contractions. All I could do was cover my face with my hands and breathe through the pain the nurse kept saying things like 'you're doing great' 'we're almost done' and other such things that reminded me of every bubbly blonde exercise instructor I've ever met...and didn't care for. 

About ten minutes into the procedure, positioned in the no-hiding-spot-for-shame way all too familiar to someone going through infertility testing (REALLY STOP READING HERE haha) in the midst of the fog of pain pressing on my brain I realize. I'm going to poop. Now. On this man. I am going to poop right now on this doctor. With all the pressure and pain and what not, my body just decided that this would probably be some sort of solution to the goings on.

Now, don't go assuming that I pooped on this doctor and assistant. I can proudly say that I did not. But, I do consider myself a considerate person and as I'm laying there fearing the most embarrassing thing in my entire life is about to coincide with one of the most painful things in my entire life, I realize...I've got to warn these poor souls.

...

me: "I...uhhh...I"

Dr: "Everything all right? You're doing great."

me: "yea, umm. I'm going to poop"

Dr. "What's that?

me: "I really, I don't know how else to say this but I don't want to poop on you"

Dr and Nurse: laughing "Oh, it wouldn't be the first time!"

me:....

Whhhaaaattt????? 

Now I'm all about connecting especially with experiences, but there is no way that I was going to join the ranks of those who have pooped on another human being while it was still within my power not to.

...

I have never in my life been so proud of my self control. I would have never been able to look at those doctors ever again.

Bonus though...after the ultrasound they realized they didn't tell me to take pain meds before hand, gave me a horse-sized pain pill and a capri sun. Also, in my experience once the procedure was over the pain was over, no cramping afterwards.

yep, so....now you know that. 

Good luck with your SIS.

Fertility Friday: Polypectomy TMI for the squeemish

Our most recent (even though this was 6 months ago) breakthrough with our little fertility journey here was back in April. 

We were packing up to leave Rexburg and were rounding out our last visits with a Dr. we had found that we liked that we were just getting to join in on our desire to investigate what may be wrong instead of just throwing pills at it....which he still did and stuck me on metformin for several months...but I'll write about that later.

He ended up performing a saline ultrasound which was an experience I would rather forget, and would rather have been warned as to the pain. Even a little, 'oh...we'll be putting your body into some minor to mid-range contractions today...maybe take an ibuprofen before you come' would have been a nice heads up.

The ultrasound revealed that there was some fluid escaping into my abdomen and, although not as accurate as an HSG (let's please just never....), indicated that my tubes were clear and shouldn't be any impediment to us getting pregnant. He also found what he said may potentially be an intra-uterine septum and we scheduled surgery for the following week.

Note to fellow infertiles....maybe don't schedule minor surgery the same day as your very last college final exam and the day before you move to another state...maybe...but you probably already knew that.

I had read some horror stories about polypectomies and septum removals so I was a bit nervous. Thankfully, everything went just fine. Aside from the awkwardness of having three people poke and prod around my nethers, it really wasn't a painful or 'violating' experience as I had read many women felt. They gave me some painkillers and a local anesthetic, they told me to just relax because I wouldn't remember anything later but I pretty much remember everything...mostly just staring at the ceiling and waiting.

When everything was said and done, they told me they removed two pea to kidney bean sized polyps. The only side affects I had after the surgery were, after they removed the IV I was pretty shaky and had some pretty violent shivers, but they said that was normal. I spotted a little bit that day but that was it. The doctor seemed very optimistic that this would be the answer to our fertility issues...but still not being pregnant 6 months later leaves us feeling pretty hesitant to believe that.

On the bright side, before the surgery I had pretty painful and heavy periods. My first period after the surgery was kind of scary and heavy but every one after that I hardly get cramps and they are much easier to deal with. So, even if it wasn't the answer we were hoping for, it was still absolutely worth the time. 

2 years with you

Dear Russell, 

Our children will have your patience and kindness.

They will have your blue eyes and your dimples.

They will have your passion and your drive for adventure.

They will have your ability to love with everything they have.

They will have your laugh.

 They will surely have all the good you possess, and all the good you bring out in me.

And I, I will have you.

Happy anniversary love.

Fertility Friday: Cutting out the crap

Through this process of figuring out what is or isn't affecting us not being able to get pregnant, we have seen a dozen or so doctors. One thing that they always throw out there but never really investigate is the possibilities of PCOS and pre-diabetes. Now, I would say I am of 'average' stature when it comes to weight.. of course I'm taller than average at 5' 10" but with my family history and all that wonderful stuff doctors always give me a parting...avoid refined carbs, avoid dairy, avoid soy, avoid yadda yadda yadda...

SO! In attempts to avoid the plague that is apparently eating in America we are cutting out gluten, soy (didn't really eat much to begin with..that we know of..) and refined carbohydrates. I'm still pushing the line on a lot of high glycemic index foods...but one step at a time I guess. 

With all of that being said, here is our first weeks menu:

Day one: Quinoa minestrone

Day two: Black bean tacos 

Day three: mixed green salad with hard boiled eggs

Day four: veggie burgers in lettuce wraps

Day five: Brown rice "pizza" bake

Day six: vegan sushi

Day seven: Butternut squash ravioli 

I'll let you know next week how it all goes!

Fertility friday: hypothyroid

In early 2008, I was going to school full time and working part time. I'd be at school fromseven in the morning to around 4 in the afternoon. I would get my homework done and get my house in order. during that semester at college, I had quit taking my birth control and Started to not not try to get pregnant. After about a month I noticed I was extremely tired. At thid point I was carrying 20 credit hours and working full time, so I just chalked my fatigue to being overworked. Then I noticed my hairFalling out in what felt like terrifyingly large amounts. On top of this, I began to experience depression and severe brain fog. The brain fog is what finally sent me to the doctor to get checked on. They had me take a glucose intolerance test and drew Blood to test my hormone levels. Sure enough, the results came back that I was hypothyroid. I began taking 50 of levothyroxin and only within the last 6 months have I been bumped up to 75 mcg. As Of now, all my levels are normal, but my hair still falls out and I'm always a little spacey. Russ and I will be seeing a specialist in the next couple months, itd be nice to get more details about my other thyroid levels, which no dr seems to test for.

Finding Hope in Transparency

I've struggled with infertility for a little over 5 years now.

I have somewhat mentioned this, alluded to it, and even gone into detail for those who have asked. Over the years, I have found myself reaching out to people in the same situation--searching out people through blogs, youtube, online communities and forums, etc.

Time after time, I run into posts or threads that I relate to, but are years old. 99% of the people's channels I find on youtube are now currently posting "How to decorate your nursery 101" videos.

At times I am nearly convinced that I am the last infertile woman on earth! 

So, in hopes for finding hope, providing hope, hoping for hope, what have you...I'm going to be a little more transparent here on the blog with my journey, some past experiences and maybe a venting session or two, we'll see. 

so, from here on out...

Fertility Fridays

Days to be lost

Tomorrow is a big day for us.

But I keep thinking about today, and how a year from now...it won't exist.

Stuck in somewhere between a time stamped Sunday and heavy Tuesday, this day will very likely be one I'd let slip from memory. 

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Even though we both woke up early and tried our best to convince the other to stay in bed. 

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Even though I had a small opportunity to serve. 

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Even though I laughed as Russ had a whole monologue about how he could tell the difference in a blind taste test between generic and name brand mac and cheese.

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I wonder where I let all these days go...
The days in between.

And, I wonder if I need to slow down or if I just need to pay more attention to the dates and times that make up the space between the few moments I remember.